A brief overview of the situation is always valuable, so as a
service to all Americans who still don't get it, I now offer you
the story of the Middle East in just a few paragraphs, which is
all you really need. Don't thank me. I'm a giver. Here we go:
The
Palestinians want their own country. There's just one thing
about
that: There are no Palestinians. It's a made up word. Israel was
called Palestine for two thousand years. Like "Wiccan,"
"Palestinian" sounds ancient but is really a modern invention.
Before the Israelis won the land in war, Gaza was owned by
Egypt, and there were no Palestinians" then, and the West Bank
was owned by Jordan, and there were no "Palestinians" then. As
soon as the Jews took over and started growing oranges as big as
basketballs, what do you know, say hello to the "Palestinians,"
weeping for their deep bond with their lost "land" and "nation."
So for the sake of honesty, let's not use the word "Palestinian"
any more to describe these delightful folks, who dance for joy
at
our deaths until someone points out they're being taped.
Instead,
let's call them what they are: "Other Arabs From The Same
General
Area Who Are In Deep Denial About Never Being Able To Accomplish
Anything In Life And Would Rather Wrap Themselves In The
Seductive Melodrama Of Eternal Struggle And Death." I know
that's
a bit unwieldy to expect to see on CNN. How about this, then:
"Adjacent Jew-Haters."
Okay, so the Adjacent Jew-Haters want their own country. Oops,
just one more thing. No, they don't. They could've had their own
country any time in the last thirty years, especially two years
ago at Camp David. But if you have your own country, you have to
have traffic lights and garbage trucks and Chambers of Commerce,
and, worse, you actually have to figure out some way to make a
living. That's no fun.
No, they want what all the other Jew-Haters in the region want:
Israel. They also want a big pile of dead Jews, of course-that's
where the real fun is-but mostly they want Israel. Why? For one
thing, trying to destroy Israel-or "The Zionist Entity" as their
textbooks call it-for the last fifty years has allowed the
rulers
of Arab countries to divert the attention of their own people
away from the fact that they're the blue-ribbon most illiterate,
poorest, and tribally backward on God's Earth, and if you've
ever
been around God's Earth, you know that's really saying
something.
It makes me roll my eyes every time one of our pundits waxes
poetic about the great history and culture of the Muslim
Mideast.
Unless I'm missing something, the Arabs haven't given anything
to
the world since Algebra, and, by the way, thanks a hell of a lot
for that one.
Chew this around and spit it out: Five hundred million Arabs;
five million Jews. Think of all the Arab countries as a football
field, and Israel as a pack of matches sitting in the middle of
it. And now these same folks swear that if Israel gives them
half
of that pack of matches, everyone will be pals. Really? Wow,
what
neat news. Hey, but what about the string of wars to obliterate
the tiny country and the constant din of rabid blood oaths to
drive every Jew into the sea? Oh, that? We were just kidding.
My friend Kevin Rooney made a gorgeous point the other day: Just
reverse the numbers. Imagine five hundred million Jews and five
million Arabs. I was stunned at the simple brilliance of it.
Can
anyone picture the Jews strapping belts of razor blades and
dynamite to themselves? Of course not. Or marshaling every fiber
and force at their disposal for generations to drive a tiny Arab
state into the sea? Nonsense. Or dancing for joy at the murder
of
innocents? Impossible. Or spreading and believing horrible lies
about the Arabs baking their bread with the blood of children?
Disgusting. Now, as you know, left to themselves in a world of
peace, the worst Jews would ever do to people is debate them to
death.
Mr. Bush, God bless him, is walking a tightrope. I understand
that with vital operations coming up against Iraq and others,
it's in our interest, as Americans, to try to stabilize our Arab
allies as much as possible, and, after all, that can't be much
harder than stabilizing a roomful of super models who've just
had
their drugs taken away. However, in any big-picture strategy,
there's always a danger of losing moral weight. We've already
lost some.
After September 11, our president told us and the world he was
going to root out all terrorists and the countries that
supported
them. Beautiful. Then the Israelis, after months and months of
having the equivalent of an Oklahoma City every week (and then
every day) start to do the same thing we did, and we tell them
to
show restraint. If America were being attacked with an Oklahoma
City every day, we would all very shortly be screaming for the
administration to just be done with it and kill everything south
of the Mediterranean and east of the Jordan.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
QUOTE OF THE DAY
After a shooting spree, they always want to take the guns away
from the people who didn't do it.
-- William S. Burroughs
